i wish i could continue wallowing in memories of her, but things are different now. there is no room for stagnancy. although the odds still loom overwhelmingly like a cold hard wall in front of me, i have no fear. our greatest glory is not never failing, but to rise every time we fall.

i am not feeling indifferent or afraid. actually, i'm feeling much more alive now, stronger than i was before. now, my dreams wont be just cooped up in my grey matter. they will flow out and be me, embedding themselves in my veins, my whole being. through much thought, i've visualised my path, all i have to do is walk it.

it sounds arrogant, but i cant live crawling or walking. i'm going to take my life by leaps and bounds.

i'm going to be a true fighter.

as this is my last entry, i'd like to thank all those who have stood by me when i was held down by the chains of frailty, procrastination and heartache. i'm grateful, for without your encouragement i may have never managed to stand up again. if you need help, do not hesitate to contact me, for i'll do what i can for you. i love you guys and girls, in the future, men and women.

lastly, i'm dedicating the last few paragraphs to someone special, someone who taught me love, someone who loved me once, someone whom i'll never forget.

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Carmen,
you might never read this but i'll write it anyway. from that innocent young lad i was at thirteen, i've changed a lot. i know you'd say i've become an asshole, but i'd beg to differ. being with you has made me realise how beautiful life is, how it is like to love, be it felt and seen or under covers. i used to think you were heartless to leave me but now i realise, it was me who let it all happen.

i apologize for not being totally me, wearing a mask, which i felt was for your good. it would only get you more irritated, thus it would be better keeping mum and not let you know how i truly feel about you, how much i truly feel for you. not a day passes without thoughts and memories of you, surfacing with every beat in my heart. not a day has felt the way like those i shared with you, those when i felt warm honey spread in me, those when i felt there was no tommorow, just that moment.

in recent events, i'm afraid it's become a little harder to believe in you, although i'd love to. you fell the way i did. i pray you do not walk the path i did because it is of emotional torment so brutal it just sucks your soul away. i'm glad i found my way out, i hope you will too, the soon the better. your heart is pure and you do not deserve to go through so much pain, regradles of the damage you unintentionally inflicted. it has been painful to try and reach out to you, only to be clawed at from misunderstanding and fail to drag you out of this rabbit hole. all i can say is, only you can help yourself. stand up and be strong.

i believe the Carmen i knew still exists inside you. this poem is for you, which i feel describes your beauty the best.

The February bloom of exuberance,
Yet a silent wallflower façade.

The pale porcelain dusted with pink,
hidden beneath silky lengths of black.

The strength in deep hazel eyes,
shield to an untouched heart.

The heart-melting curve of her smile,
An angel in mortal disguise.

The rare display of enchanting grace,
Twirls of a slender youthful soul.

The sunken mystery chest in life’s abyss,
Awaiting the perfect key.

The poem of undying passion.
The innocent dance of beauty - Carmen.

i'm sorry to tell you there's something i've cahnged my mind about. i'm breaking that promise upon the thirteenth floor, not because its a burden or that i have lost the love for you, but because i'm going to live life as it is, for the beautiful moments. may you be out of sight more often than not, you still have memories buried in me, deep within the crevices of my heart, sealed well by the scabs of the scars. i still love you and i don't know when i'll stop. if you need a hand, there's always mine.

before i conclude, i would like to thank you for being my first girlfriend, giving me your first kiss, you hand and your heart for the time we spent together. i thank you for allowing me to learn to cherish what i've lost and how to take stabs in the heart, how to hold on just that bit longer. what has not killed me has definitely made me a stronger person and i thank you for contributing to the pieces of me.

i hope to step into your life again in the future. i hope then, you will know who i am.

i... love... you.

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